I'm getting sick, so naturally I try Nyquil and lots of rest and water; still feel like shit. Feeling like shit also includes intense in basically every part of my body, luckily not all at once, no of course my body can't be kind enough to get the pain over with all at once and have some break time; no its my neck for a few hours then my heel then my back or my hand or head or eyes or throat...Damn you. So, naturally I take ibuprofen, tylenol, even loratab, even a damned Chiropractor. And nuthin', nada, zip, zilch. Pain still exists. Like I said part of the pain is in my eyes, so again, naturally, I take out my contacts, my eyes are now exposed to the air which makes them so dry IDK if they hurt more NOW. And these damn glasses are giving me acne on the bridge of my nose.
Speaking of acne, my dad sent me a shit-ton of chocolate and being a recluse with absolutely nothing else to do than mope around in my room watching Xena: Warrior Princess all day, I eat it; a lot of it. This of course has led to an outburst of acne: on my chest, my back, my chin, my lip, my nose, my forehead, and so on. I wash and scrub with hot water every morning and night; I shower and use exfoliating body wash (you know with those little beads that for some reason are supposed to really get you clean) and the acne lives on...spreads, even.
Speaking of things growing: my body unfortunately is in that category. I was doing so well after the baby; lowest weight I've been in a lonnnngggg time. *Chocolate probably doesn't help much* I'm still eating pretty well and I try to walk a lot, I'm not really doing anything less than before, but all this stress isn't helping I'm sure.
Stress...now that's something I wish I could do something about. I feel so stressed all the time, and it never really goes away; when one thing is done with another just takes its place. The school has a Biofeedback machine that is supposed to help with stress-relieving techniques and give a baseline of stress levels over time. HA! 100% every. God. Damned. Time. If that's all people saw, they'd think I was Mother Theresa or Gandhi with my patience and self-control. Only trouble is I never seem to be able to feel so at peace any other time in my life. *I'm even yelling at the only friends I have*
I had a counselor at one time and it was nice having someone that I knew I could talk to if I needed to but it ended up the same as the counseling I had in Junior High: a waste of time. Going in is one thing but I've gotta be able to talk about what's going on and how I truly feel; too bad I never really feel comfortable enough to do that. All I say is yeah everything is great, It's all going so well, Of course I have a good support system...blah blah blah Bullshit!
So what this all has to do with LOVE:
Ya see, it's like this:
I'm pretty sure I love someone and truly want to spend the rest of my life with this person. There are some complications, though.
First off, he's a guy. Now heterosexual relationships are quite common for sure, only thing is I'm a pansexual *Fuck YOU Blogger, pansexual is NOT spelled wrong* and I don't want to lose that part of my identity just because I've chosen to be with a man...I know that I will never give it up as part of who I am, but other people just don't get it, even he doesn't really understand how I can still be considered a pansexual once I'm in a heterosexual relationship...
Another problem is that he lives a few hours away and neither of us has the money to visit often. I might transfer somewhere closer *hell I might even drop out based on how I'm feeling about school lately* and that might help but I won't be able to do that for about a year and I have a problem now not a year from now you see?
Yet another issue comes straight from him: he's afraid of commitment, doesn't want a serious relationship yet in his life, feels we're too young. All this he says to me at the same time as talking about wedding plans and future children and daydreams of us growing old together with our children laughing and smiling and such. It hurts immensely...Maybe that's why all my pain won't go away; it's not all physical... IDK what to do, we've talked about it and there's nothing new to say.
OH and this one's great for sure: He still goes to his Ex's place and has her over to his. He practically stops talking to me while he's with her and they still have sex and shit. He says he never starts it and that I have every allowance to whatever I please with other people. I don't think he truly understands *no matter what I say to him* that I don't WANT anyone else.
He says he's afraid that I'll leave and he'll be alone so he keeps her around *and to do that he has to of course spend time with her sometimes* just in case. You see, we dated once before in High School and I got bored and scared so I left him. So now he apparently doesn't trust that I'm capable of fidelity and will stay around.
He keeps saying that I have him, that he IS mine, that he loves me...but I'M afraid...afraid he'll choose the "secure" choice because she'd never leave him, and I'll left all alone with this excruciating pain.
I've already had my heart broken, crushed really. It won't survive any more...I won't.
He's just one more thing to add to my plate... Nothing in my life is going how I want it to, how I thought it would; everything is spiraling out of my control.
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